HOW TO STOP LYING TO YOURSELF
- Written by Eric North aka “The Happiness Warrior”
Wherever it is in agreement with nature, the ruling power within us takes a flexible approach to circumstances, always adapting itself easily to both practicality and the given event. --Marcus Aurelius?
No one starts out in life wishing to be a liar. The reality is that many who react with their ego turn to lying to: avoid situations, avoid being caught or found out, and avoid judgment and shame. We tell people that we’re “fine” when in fact we’re hurting and anxious. We’ll never really know if anyone’s telling us the truth, but the one incredible power that we have within us is our own “truth”. When we learn to be truthful with ourselves, our lives will grow and flourish. As the old saying goes, “the truth sets us free”. The personal freedom and self-mastery that comes when we are unapologetic about who are without guilt, shame, and the harmful need for external validation.
I spent much of my early years lying about who I was, building a careful exterior, and hiding my true self from others. I knew I was different from most kids at an early age, and I was aware of the dangers of not conforming. As I struggled with my sexuality, I built even bigger defenses. It was a different era, the world was a lot less accepting, and lying was an “easy” way out.
In my late twenties, I began an almost decades long relationship with an abusive partner. We had some good times and a few good memories but it’s impossible to have a real and loving relationship with a sociopath and abusive alcoholic. For far too long I lived with much shame and guilt and told myself many lies to try to save myself from people’s judgement or concern. I felt trapped, confused by my self-deception, and unable to look at myself with any honesty. I was in a constant spiral of depression and unhappiness. Eventually my long years with my partner came to a crashing end. At this very low point in my life, I began to take a good look at myself and knew that I needed to be self-aware if I wanted to reinvent myself and be happy. So, I spent almost two years afterwards learning to be alone and tending to my emotional wounds. I learned to be honest with my fears and began to understand who I really was. Most of all, I understood the value of loving myself. I knew that I had to forgive and be honest in healing
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Forgiveness needs truth to give it power. I began to sort through my abilities and take responsibility for my life on my terms. It wasn’t easy. I had times when I was very depressed and angry. Telling myself the truth was the key to changing my mindset and being grateful for life. It allowed me to experience the pure sense of happiness that comes when we trust in ourselves.
Whether we’re in denial about a bad habit or trying to boost our confidence by exaggerating our own abilities, there’s a good chance all of us have practiced a little self-deception at some point. When we lie to ourselves, it can damage our relationships, prevent us from being happy, and hold us back from our full potential. As lies grow, we find ourselves increasingly unhappy, and continue to lose touch with our authentic selves.
Fortunately, there are measures we can take to overcome our self-deceptive behavior and become more honest with ourselves and others. Like any good life-changing habit, it can take time and patience, but the reward is a renewed sense of self-esteem, integrity, purpose, and happiness. Learning how not to lie to ourselves is the ultimate act of self-love and self-awareness.
SIGNS THAT YOU’RE LYING TO YOURSELF
Lying to yourself may be a protective measure to avoid disruption or change. Sometimes it’s even self-justified by an irrational need to maintain the “status quo”. Lying to ourselves harms our ability to adapt to change, evolve, and reinvent ourselves. Lying to ourselves impairs our ability to function and keeps us from performing at our best in times of crisis.
We’ve all found ourselves lying awake in the middle of the night filled with anxiety. We feel fear, wake up exhausted and weary through the next day half-alive, dreading another sleepless night. It’s a terrible feeling of being all alone and hopeless in the dark. Often this is caused by feelings of guilt, lies that we’ve told, or insecurity. Why are we lying to ourselves and limiting our happiness?
There are many who live their lives in a state of confusion and anxiety. They feel disconnected, irritable, unhappy, and can’t seem to figure out why. They often find themselves with a “victim” mindset and exhibit great displays of cognitive dissonance. What they’re telling themselves often contradicts their inner reality. This is the source of much of the strife, hurt, and hard feelings that we seem to see more of today in our pandemic infected world.
Lying to ourselves is also harmful in the long term for our bodies and mental health. Toxicity and stress make us more susceptible to disease and injuries.
STOP UNDERMINING YOUR LIFE WITH LIES AND LIVE AUTHENTICALLY
Becoming more authentic and honest with ourselves is the process of removing bad behaviors, negative self-defeating talk, and harmful self-created emotions. To create a mindset where we are proud of our truths, understand our limitations, and believe in our destiny, be aware of these common things that keep us from being truthful:
1. “I’m a work in progress” this is a cop out for people who cling to old destructive behaviors and make excuses (lies) to themselves in a false attempt to appear earnest.
2. Constructive criticism is not a personal attack. Take a deep breath and react slowly and appreciate the intention. Someone is giving you their time to help you.
3. Stop trying to be right all the time.
4. Realizing that pride in ourselves comes when making the effort, shortcuts can be dangerous to self-esteem.
5. Stop talking and start doing. Action comes from self-belief and intention.
6. Stop doubting yourself and asking for advice. The opinion of others is always biased.
7. Learn how to say no. I can’t emphasize enough how important this is. Try saying “this makes me uncomfortable”, no explanation needed.
8. Don’t give up on yourself. The journey is part of the lesson.
9. Show up for yourself. Learning to “show-up” and not blend in is life-affirming and makes us happier.
10. Don’t mask and cover up your feelings. Never let old wounds fester.
11. Forgive yourself for the past and work on removing guilt and shame from your life.
12. Words and thoughts have spirit; we give them life and they never go away. The truth is easier to remember.
13. Don’t give up on yourself. The journey is part of the lesson.
We lie to ourselves when we’re not honest about our motives and our authentic desires. We lie to ourselves to rationalize or falsely justify our behaviors. We lie to ourselves to cling onto judgmental stereotypes and prejudices. We develop rigid initial first impressions or flat-out refuse to listen to others to stay attached to our own fixed narrative.
Most importantly we lie to ourselves for self-protection. Self-awareness and reality will harm our false equilibrium. We’re accustomed to telling ourselves untruths because it’s easier! We avoid truths because it’s expedient. We avoid telling ourselves the truth to avoid reconciling with our conscience. This helps us not to question ourselves and be forced to make hard choices. Self-awareness can be painful as much as it is powerful and liberating!
When we stop lying to ourselves, we can find the balance and harmony that we need to be true to our unique nature. Every human has a right to express themselves and live who they are without judgment or shame. We’re happier when we’re free of our self-inflicted bonds. Choose truth and authenticity and watch your life unfold in a magical journey. There’s so much more out there for all of us when we learn to live in our truth.