FREE YOURSELF FROM SHAME
- Written by Eric North aka “The Happiness Warrior”
“Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.”—Brene Brown
I remember being in first or second grade and going out for a drive with my Father. We rarely spent time alone together and I was excited to spend time with him without my younger siblings. I don’t remember what else we talked about, but as we passed by Harvard University, he told me it was a school for very smart kids. I knew I was smart. Every day I went down the hall by myself to take my reading and math classes with the sixth graders and only smart kids did that! I was excited for show-and-tell on Monday, and telling my class and teacher about driving to Boston with my Father and most importantly: that I wanted to go to Harvard. I didn’t know what “Harvard” meant, but if smart kids went to school there that was the place for me! Later that week, my Father stopped by to pick me up from school, and my teacher mentioned to my him that I wanted to go to Harvard. I remember feeling proud at that moment that it made her happy, but my Father said with a scornful voice “He can’t go to Harvard. He’s not good enough”. That was the first time in my life that I felt shame, so deeply that I wanted to disappear.
For the last few years, I’ve been on a personal mission to expand my consciousness, to remove negative self-created emotions, to practice more empathy, and to learn what it truly means to be happy. I’ve thought a lot about where I came from and the shame that was always lurking I my life and holding me back from being my best. I realized that my Father was wrong and that my battle was with myself. I became less concerned with my ego and more focused on being a better leader and helping others feel good about themselves. I took a good look at my self-created negative behaviors and began the arduous task of dismantling them. Like many of us, I grew up with a culture of shame as a means of control and so I became determined to remove as much as possible from my life and help others do so as well. When the quarantine came along last year came along and shook us up so thoroughly, I told myself that now was the perfect opportunity to change how I think and remove shame from my mindset.
We can help free ourselves from shame when we learn that happiness comes from within, without the judgement or approval of others.
Shame is something that we’ve been conditioned to believe in and take personally, when in truth it’s never about us. Understanding that shaming is a projection from others is the first step in a changing our destiny and moving forward to realize our dreams. Removing shame is the start to beginning a new life with greater self-esteem, happiness, and destiny. Shame is the ultimate way to manipulate and control others. Shame prevents innovation and creativity, it causes great personal harm to many, and it can even kill.
The cure to shame is empathy, and like shame, empathy is learned and passed on to others. Removing shame can make us feel more vulnerable. Vulnerability can make us feel uncomfortable and unprotected. Being more vulnerable leads to becoming our authentic selves, allowing us to finally see who we really are. Vulnerability and empathy help us to feel our humanity opening our eyes to experience and feel what a life without shame feels like. With more empathy we begin to forgive ourselves and release deep rooted shame making room for more joy and happiness.
One of the hardest things for most of us to understand is the connection between fear of being vulnerable because of shame. Without vulnerability we cease to grow, and we become increasingly apathetic and lose motivation in our lives. Life with shame has no forward momentum.
Causes of shame:
1. Other people and their sense of shame.
2. Unrequited love, can start with a parent who lacks empathy or love.
3. Exposure, mistakes in public, humiliation.
4. Fear of failure, disappointed expectation.
5. Exclusion, loss of connection.
Most of us are taught that shame is our own problem. As opposed to guilt, which comes from an action we took with consequences. Shame is a feeling that whatever bad thing happened was our fault because of who we are.
HOW TO REMOVE SHAME FROM OUR LIVES
Empathy is the antidote to shame, yet both shame and empathy are behaviors that are learned and developed. In the words of Brene Brown, “Shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy--the real antidote to shame. If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive."
Ways to help us remove shame from our lives:
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Start loving yourself first, practice self-acceptance.
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Stop telling yourself and others that you or they “should” do something, “should is a very harmful word for ourselves and others!
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Change your social environment and seek people who are positive and life affirming.
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Take care of your physical self, eat better, exercise more and work on sleep quality.
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Avoid toxic and sarcastic people who put down others, blame, or are quick to judge others.
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Stop talking to yourself with harsh words. I used to say “I’m my own worst enemy” thinking that it was a noble phrase when truthfully it was doing me much harm and holding me back from true success and happiness. Use motivating and confident words.
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Understand and verbalize fear, what am I afraid of?
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Find strength in being vulnerable. Vulnerability makes us likeable and shows our courage.
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Be radically honest. Trust is a great foe of shame.
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Bring shame into the light.
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Never confuse shame with guilt. Shame means “I am bad”. Guilt means “I did something bad”.
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Stop defining who you are by what your produce. Separate your self-worth from the expectations of others.
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Recognize triggers, shame has a way of hitting us where we’re most vulnerable. Our insecurities lead us to feel shame.
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Try to be more connected, the past year has made us more disconnected than ever, and shame seems greater than ever. When we feel connected, we feel more compassion for ourselves and are more likely to be able to bring our sense of shame to the light. Hearing or saying the words “I hear you and know how you feel” can make a huge difference.
Our shared humanity is our vulnerability and being afraid to show who we really are. Open your heart, look for honest and open people and let nothing hold you back from living your dreams and creating a happier, and authentic life