EMPATHY IS EVERYTHING
- Written by Eric North aka “The Happiness Warrior”
Patience and empathy are anger’s mortal enemies—Gary Rudz
For much of my thirties I kept a lot of anger buried inside of me. I felt trapped in an abusive relationship and was increasingly unhappy and filled with anxiety. Sometimes I would explode with startling ferocity and loathe myself later for acting out. Deep down, I was ashamed of myself for staying in an impossible situation and hated myself because of it. Consumed with guilt and shame that I wouldn’t allow myself to acknowledge, I was increasingly unhappy, angry, and at war with conscious thoughts. I lost much of my empathy for others and neglected my friendships and relationships. My anger and frustration became an unhealthy outlet which I took upon myself. My ego was in control, and I sought unhealthy ways to mask the pain. My overwhelming fear of shame wouldn’t let me tell myself the truth and I became depressed. Eventually I came to a breaking point when I couldn’t take it anymore and everything fell apart. After my ego crashed, I began to come alive again. I felt a requisite sense of humbleness and gratitude that had eluded me for so long. After so many years of unhappiness, I began replacing anger with empathy and gratitude. When I released myself from my ego, I began to feel like it might be possible to be whole again and look forward to the rest of my life.
Ego can be a powerful force of destruction and I saw this with my own journey. Once I understood the power of my ego, I knew that I could consciously increase empathy and understanding. I set out to create a new life with a mindset for creating more kindness, happiness, and purpose. The lesson that I learned was that need to forgive our ourselves and live in the present to move forward in life!
EGO AND EMPATHY
There’s a definite balance in life between ego and empathy where it’s necessary to pay attention to another’s desires and dreams without sacrificing or giving up our own.
Our egos are strong and incredibly resilient. Our ego is there to guide us, but it does not define the core values of what we stand for and who we really are.
These days with the world in turmoil, anger seems to be the default. Everywhere we turn these days someone is angry and blaming others for their misery. In truth, they’re angry at themselves, angry at others, and angry at unseen and imagined events that will never touch them or effect their lives in any way. This reliance on ego and anger keeps us from moving forward, connecting with, and understanding others. Anger makes us lonely, dulls our creativity, and shortens our lifespans.
When we can learn to overcome the apathy and negative emotions that take over when we’re angry, we can begin to become more compassionate and forgiving of ourselves and others. This allows empathy to nurture and grow. Cultivating empathy in our lives is way to rise-up and overcome our self-imposed pain and suffering. Empathy is the antidote to anger and ego!
The first step to overcoming angry thoughts and becoming more empathetic to others and to yourself is to understand how to recognize angry emotions:
External anger: Maliciousness, revenge, jealousy, belligerence, envy, hatred, abusiveness, frustrations, sarcasm, cynicism, contempt, snobbery, impatience, grumpiness, stonewalling, detachment, indignation.
Internal Anger: Self-doubt, unworthiness, depression, and self-harm.
As the Happiness Warrior, I want to show how we can replace anger with empathy to gain a new understanding of ourselves and see the world from as a happier place.
When we can learn to practice compassion for ourselves, we can begin renewing our lives in a positive direction. Loving ourselves causes us to be happier and want to share our lives with others. When we are empathetic, we practice compassion. Compassion is the element of love that makes us human. When we’re empathetic and unjudging, happiness arises, and empathy becomes a way of life.
Empathy is the ability to emotionally understand what other people feel, see things from their point of view, and imagine ourselves in their place. Empathy is more than just a feeling and describes a wide range of experiences that helps us to create the ability to understand others and respect their feelings and emotions. When we practice empathy, we can see more than just one side to a situation and develop new ways of moving forward with greater happiness and fulfillment with life.
Empathy is not something we are born with, but which grows and develops over our lifetime. We can tap into our sense of natural empathy at any time and create powerful actions that can change individual lives and the lives of the world around us. Connecting with others is essential to our survival as humans and helps us to increase perspective and understanding of who we are.
Here are nine ways to strengthen your own empathy:
1. Challenge yourself and do something that makes you feel uncomfortable every day.
2. Get out of your usual environment. Take a walk to somewhere you’ve never been and explore.
3. Get feedback from people you love and trust.
4. Embrace vulnerability and live authentically.
5. Imagine yourself in someone else’s life and try to understand what they’re feeling.
6. Examine your biases and understand that they are externally created.
7. Cultivate your sense of curiosity and interact with others.
8. Ask better questions.
9. Read both fiction and non-fiction. Who are your inspirations?
10. Show someone something you’ve created: art, or a story, or craft. Accept their praise.
We are all products of our upbringing and how we’ve been taught to see the world. Often our first opinion is based on snap judgements and perceptions that are incorrectly based on confirmation bias. This is often the way we react when someone or something challenges our personal narrative.
Once we can understand and listen to the stories and perspectives of others, we can begin to use empathy to create better relationships that help us connect, learn, and grow. Snap decisions and judgements lead to making poor decisions and missed opportunities.
“When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry count to one hundred”—Thomas Jefferson
TURN ANGER INTO COMPASSION
Empathy heightens our attention to both the complexity of humanity and our shared humanity. Arousing empathy further reminds us that someone’s behavior alone does not provide a complete understanding of that individual.
It seems like everywhere we turn these days someone is angry. Angry at themselves, angry at others, angry at unseen and imagined events that will never touch them or effect their lives in any way. Anger keeps us from moving forward, connecting with, and understanding others. Anger makes us lonely and shortens lifespans.
Steps to turn anger into empathy:
1. Think of anger as a wake-up call to understand what you value in life. Is it worth the trouble to be angry or can we use it as a warning to stop making our lives more difficult?
2. Practice self-awareness and rely on facts when assessing a situation.
3. Take responsibility for your feelings and don’t let other’s actions make you feel a certain way. I always say that it’s my decision to let someone dump their misery on me. Learn to say no.
4. Take personal responsibility and don’t play the blame game. Victims and blamers are not winners.
5. Take a hard look underneath your anger and think about how it’s affecting your reactions and mental state.
6. Take control of a situation that needs to be handled and steer it toward your goal. What do you want to accomplish, and do you need help from others?
7. It’s important to make sure that the other person’s needs are met as well. Everyone should be happy and feel valued with your solution.
8. Increase mindfulness and awareness of others. We’re never sure what someone else is going through and are often too quick to assume and judge.
Empathy is often the missing element that we all need to be happier, feel more connected, and part of our communities. When we’re kind and understanding we can achieve more and discover how to make the world a better place. If the last couple of years have taught us anything it’s that we need each other to survive and be happy. Empathy shows us how we love ourselves and everyone around us!
