Making assumptions
- Written by Eric North aka “The Happiness Warrior”
The most misleading assumptions are the ones you don’t even know you’re making - Douglass Adams
Most of the biggest mistakes I made in my life came from making assumptions. These were big mistakes that were never easy to brush off. They were painful, embarrassing, sometimes shameful, and always humbling. I was taught to make assumptions by family and relatives who also made assumptions about me without every knowing or caring about who I was. I was told what I was supposed to look like, who I should be friends with, and how I was supposed to act. Instinctively, I knew I’d better hiding who I was to conform and stay under the radar, but it felt dishonest and inauthentic. People made assumptions for me that were always wrong, and I felt a growing unease and as well as a need to rebel.
I cared too much about what others thought and was overly defensive. I often felt alienated and hesitant to ask questions for fear of being shunned. As I matured, I began to develop a hard and defensive shell. I heard plenty of things in my home and school that I knew were wrong, but my assumptions kept me silent when I should have spoken out. I tried to hide who I was because I was terrified that people would make assumptions about me.
Most of us have heard the old maxim, “don’t judge a book by its cover” but, do we ever really stop to think about how important and life-changing these words can be if applied? Words have spirit and our assumptions have a way of manifesting themselves in an endless cycle of disappointment and little personal growth.
Much like empathy, making assumptions is learned behavior. We learn from these things from our parents, teachers, and people who raise us. Often, they have no idea that what they’re saying is harmful and how they influence others. They are only passing along what they’ve only been taught themselves and reinforced in their own minds.
When we assume something about someone else without any facts, we miss out on new friendships, opportunities, and our ability to feel love and be happier. Making assumptions can ruin our lives without us even knowing, hurt our self-esteem, and destroy the happiness of ourselves and others.
Its natural to make assumptions, our brains are wired to do so. If we didn’t allow ourselves to make some assumptions on what’s safe and reasonable, we would never move forward.
There are three basic types of assumptions:
1. Prescriptive—These are assumptions about what we think ought to be happening in a particular situation. An example is how we think someone in authority should behave even when it’s not based in reality or demonstrated in practice. These are usually relayed to us in childhood. We learn our prejudices from our parents and authority figures.
2. Paradigmatic—These are the hardest assumptions to identify. Paradigmatic assumptions are based on models that we use to structure our world into fundamental categories. They are often recognized as truths instead of assumptions. i.e., we’re taught to believe that all judges are fair and impartial we assume that it that it so.
3. Casual—These are routine assumptions we make in our daily lives. If we go to a coffee shop and the coffee is always hot, we assume it will always be hot. These routine assumptions become part of our subconsciousness.
STOP LIVING SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE
Live your own life and stop worrying about everyone else’s -Anonymous
Assumptions impede or destroy our ability to think creatively with self-confidence needed to move forward in life. If we assume we know what others are thinking we open ourselves up for negative, self-created emotions. This can lead to lower self-esteem, personal and work relationship difficulties, alienation, anger, mood swings, and depression.
Making assumptions without facts and information make it harder for us to adapt to crises and new situations. If the last year taught us anything, it’s how much assumptions can guide our choices and behaviors. Making assumptions can be dangerous in times of crisis that require new ways of thinking and solutions.
Spiraling negative thoughts and actions often come from making assumptions about situations. People who make assumptions tend to have very narrow viewpoints and struggle with productive problem solving. Good leaders are evidence-based and never rely heavily on assumptions! What’s the old joke? “When you assume you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me”.
CONSPIRACY THEORISTS
Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about me—Miguel Angel Ruiz
Sociologists estimate that about fifty percent of Americans believe in at least one conspiracy theory. People tend to be more susceptible to belief in conspiracy theories in times of crisis and rapid change. Crises are usually accompanied by feelings of fear and alienation. Conspiracy theories are always there to fill the void. Most conspiracy theorists are never intentionally harmful and believe that they are helping us find the truth that we need to hear. They may be delusional, but conspiracy theories are our brain’s way of protecting us from the truth by giving us the illusion of control and belonging. Conspiracy theories are mostly based on assumptions and not facts!
People who believe in conspiracy theories often:
1. Feel anxious or fearful.
2. Feel that they’ve lost control of their lives.
3. Have low self-esteem.
4. Feel urges to make connections between unrelated events or behaviors.
5. Believe in the paranormal.
6. Have a hard time fitting in with society and are increasingly disengaged or scornful of social activities.
7. Have financial problems or tax obligations.
HOW TO STOP MAKING ASSUMPTIONS
Start with the assumption that the best way to do something is not the way it’s being done right now—Aaron Levie
Our perception of any situation is determined by our beliefs. How we choose to interpret our beliefs is the difference between making fast, unproven judgements or reacting with measure and assessing the situation beforehand.
1. Learn how to recognize when making assumptions. Seek clarity in decision-making and avoid quick reactions without pausing to consider the circumstances. Verbalizing a problem and writing down concerns can be a great first step in making less assumptions.
2. Ask questions that are productive and gain facts rather than conclusions which may be misguided. What facts are true? How can I prove this is true? Is there a more realistic solution? These questions are a good way to avoid making unfair assumptions.
3. Understand that making assumptions usually comes from a feeling that we must “control” everything. Losing control can feel scary at first. Learning that we can’t control everything is the path to more peace and happiness in our lives.
4. Identify feelings of being “stuck” and look for new approaches to problems that are recurring and more difficult to solve. Developing more patience and taking a closer look is the path to finding the truth from being more self-aware and open-minded.
5. Practice mindfulness and self-awareness. Focus on staying in the present. Our future is determined by our present mindset. Worrying about the future is a self-created emotional trap.
Anything can happen when we live in the present and allow ourselves to be happy with who we are. The more we grasp the dangers of making assumptions the more possibilities and opportunities come into our life.
When we can begin to take a step back in our minds and think before we make assumptions, we create more freedom and happiness in our lives. Understanding which assumptions are casual and embedded in our subconscious thoughts and behaviors can give us a window in which to create a better life, a happier life, and a life with much less hurt and pain.