BE A VICTOR—NOT A VICTIM
- Written by Eric North aka “The Happiness Warrior”
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself-Harvey Fierstein
We’ve all been a casualty from someone who intentionally inflicted harm on us. Unfortunately, people with poor intentions are a normal part of life and should be expected. We can be randomly attacked, cheated on, fooled, embarrassed, and even injured by others. People injure others for the sake of their egos, reputation, greed, envy, or even more disturbing reasons. Most harmful are sociopaths who continually cause distress and suffering wherever they go. Sociologists estimate that between up to one out of twenty-five individuals exhibit sociopathic behavior. That is something to be thoughtful about when we have victim-like feelings. Understanding that we are “targets” and not “victims” is key to moving forward and leaving pain, suffering and betrayal behind. Victimhood is only real if we make it real. We can only be victims if we choose to be victims!
A victim is defined as: One who is harmed or killed by another, especially by someone committing a criminal or unlawful act: a victim of a mugging.
We have all had times in our life when we could accurately call ourselves victims by definition, but there are many times when it can be easier to feel like a victim and wallow in the trap of victimhood.
We can change our mindset to be “victors” when we realize being a “victim” is a choice and not a condition!
Playing victim is a symptom of uncontrolled anger, poor self-esteem, and emotional immaturity. Anger is a trap that grows and destroys us unless it can be understood and controlled. When we’re not able to control our feelings of anger, bruised egos, and outrage, we “voluntarily” allow ourselves to become victims. This triggers a continuous victimhood lifestyle with little chance of happiness or personal growth.
Understanding the triggers for victimhood is the first step to turning this cycle around and living a happier and more peaceful life. Victims often create more drama to continue their victimhood. Victims live in fear or anticipation of fear and harmful acts. Victims live under darkness and shame.
When I was younger, I often felt out of place and disconnected. I grew up in a dysfunctional home, occasionally stuttered, and often spent time on my own. Kids and adults can be mean and say horrible things, but it was always easy for me to tune them out and keep moving forward. I listened to my inner voice to maintain my sense of dignity and guided myself towards the future that I envisioned. I never thought of myself as a victim and always told myself that I had been targeted instead. Instinctively, I knew that my tormentors wanted the something special that I had that they lacked in themselves.
The universe has a way of putting things in perspective and restoring balance. Karma is a constant guiding force and staying true to our core values is the best way to feel like a victor and never a victim. Looking back now, I know that intuition, integrity, and staying to true to myself never failed me. How right I was!
Mindset is the key to acknowledge and understand the feelings of powerlessness that we experience in these moments. Self-empowerment and self-awareness are the key to a stronger mindset. Those with a victim mentality will always feel victimized in an emotional cycle of anger and despair.
Victims cling to a losing mentality and wallow in their suffering by spreading their pain and depression with others. As humans, we can choose to add value to our lives and others when shift our conscious to being at peace with who we are and practice forgiveness for ourselves and others who may have harmed us.
Learn from your past but don’t live in it—Steve Maraboli
ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS CREATE VOLUNTARY VICTIMS
Victims and abusers often come from dysfunctional families and environments. No one wants to be a victim, but the mentality is found throughout our experience in a judgmental and shame-based control structure. Most abusers exercise control with threats, manipulation, and dependence that comes from an abusive relationship. I was often told by my abusive ex that I was ugly and stupid. We may not believe it ourselves, but if we hear it enough times it becomes reality and creates feelings of hopelessness and unworthiness. Self-awareness and intention is key to moving forward and regaining control of our lives.
People who are abused often exhibit a lot of self-loathing, destructive behavior, put themselves down, feel alienated, and stop taking care of themselves.
EMPOWERMENT CREATES VICTORS
Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears—Marcus Aurelius
Recognizing situations that can create a victim mentality and taking action to change those situations is the first step to a mindset of empowerment and greater confidence in handling life’s difficulties.
Complaining is the refuge of victimhood. There are no victims when we learn to stop complaining!
Life gives us challenges and sometimes pain, but how we rise above it all defines who we are and allows us to prevail. As humans, we will always feel emotions and personal pain. How long those emotions last and what we learn about ourselves is the key. When we remain buried under negative emotions, it can feel like the world is against us and very bleak. Victors understand that victims who can see their misery as temporary can rise and feel at peace with themselves:
Ways to stop being a victim:
1. Stop blaming others: Blaming others may seem like a solution, but it only prolongs pain and increases suffering. No one deserves to suffer. Forget the word “fault”, victimhood stops with self-awareness.
2. Be kind to yourself: Learn the personal transformation that comes with forgiving ourselves for the past. Live in the present and focus on good qualities and strengths
3. Gratitude is everything: Gratitude is the opposite of victimhood. We learn and grow from our experiences both good and bad.
4. Remove self-created negative thoughts and emotions: When we live in a state of victimhood, we tend to feel more vulnerable, confused, and disconnected. Learn the dangers of self-fulfilling prophecies. Our inner-thoughts and words have spirit and shape our destiny!
5. Focus on kindness and adding value: Simple acts of kindness help empower ourselves in a non-manipulative way. Positive actions will always create positive results.
6. Let go and forgive: Anger is a powerful and destructive emotion that creates a negative downward spiral. Forgiveness increases our strength of character and helps us become happier and more at peace with ourselves.
7. Focus on building self-confidence and empathy: These are both innate and learned traits.
8. Understand the source of happiness: Examine underlying feelings and remove their connection to feelings of unhappiness. Realize that personal happiness doesn’t come from external sources.
9. Shift victim mentality to Victor Mentality: Bad things happen to good people no matter who you are. Bad things help us to adapt, survive, and even thrive. Understanding how this makes us stronger is the key to developing a “victor” mindset.
10. Challenge reality: Our core intention is the key to creating the reality we desire. Victims tend to stay trapped in a negative mindset, often for attention.
Letting go of victimhood is the first step in setting ourselves free to be ourselves. Once we can realize that all that we need comes from within ourselves, we can find the courage to move forward in our lives with confidence and greater happiness. There are times in our life that we may feel unfair or confusing, but with integrity, confidence, self-awareness we find joy and gratitude in times of trouble.
We all have more power than we realize and once we unplug ourselves from self-created misery, we can be our best selves and live happier lives!