REDEFINING HOLIDAY TRADITIONS
- Written by Eric North aka “The Happiness Warrior”
For many of us the holidays are a time of gathering with family, obligations, and traditions. We tend to see the same people, repeat old customs, have awkward conversations with people who no longer understand who we are, and regretfully stuff ourselves with too much food and drink.
When I was growing up Christmas meant spending a few days with my Grandparents in New England. They were stern Yankees on the surface without much outward affection, but they showed us their love through their actions and teachings. They didn’t believe in the benefits of lots of presents but we’d play board games and spend time together while they taught us skills we’d need in life. There was a fire going in the living room, snow on the ground, outdoor lights, and a real tree from a local farm.
Throughout my life, I always felt the most at peace when I was with my Grandparents. They provided a haven, a sense of respectability, structure, and a break from my dysfunctional family. My Grandmother would teach me the rules of life and my grandfather would quietly teach me how to be a man. We’d go to church on Christmas Eve because they believed that it was what good people did. This was a sacred time to them when we would be together as family and not about showing off or trying to be better than others. Christmas was entirely about family, the joy of being together, and gratitude for the life we had.
All too soon Christmas would be over, and I’d be back to my regular suburban life. A life that I couldn’t wait to escape from and dreamed about leaving as soon as I became an adult. My parents did their best with what they knew and gave us a comfortable life, but I learned from an early age who I didn’t want to be from observing their behavior and the examples they set.
Now that I’m older and my Grandparents are long gone, I’ve worked on creating my own version of the holidays from a different perspective. For me, Christmas will always be a time when I think of my Grandparents and how much they meant to me, but my life and needs have changed. They will always serve as my moral compass when I need strength and my memories of them help bring more peace and stability into my life.
After both of my Grandparents passed away my siblings and I were all married, had our own families, and my parents were divorced and at odds with each other. We became even more fractured, communicated less, and easily revisited old hurts. We mostly only saw each other once a year on Christmas Day and rarely made any other plans. Never close, we managed to do our best year after year, but honest conversations were avoided, and we never went out of our way to share much of our lives with each other. Every year before I got in my car to drive home, we'd exchange false words and promises of seeing each other more often and do better. Later to discover that another year had passed by with barely a phone call or text. I began to see Christmas as an empty day, long and drawn out without any authenticity or feeling of connection. I dreaded dragging my Husband on the long drive out to the “burbs” to see the family and always felt a sense of regret for leaving our dogs alone for the day. It made me feel the guilt that comes from being inauthentic and not true to myself. It was time to think of a new tradition without guilt or remorse.
So, we took a few years off and did our own thing. We traveled, we worked out, went for walks with the dogs and watched movies. As an entrepreneur I work every day and I began a new tradition of looking forward to one blissful day without emails for phone calls. My husband and I began to enjoy the holidays once again without feeling the guilt and conflict that comes from spending the day with my family.
A couple of years ago just before Christmas in 2019 I had a strong feeling come upon me to try to set things right with my family and bring us together. I reached out to everyone and sincerely let them know that it was time to heal and reunite. I wanted to give my family a chance once again and create new more loving and authentic relationships.
At first everyone seemed to be aligned and enthusiastic with my plan, but as the day approached, I began to get suspicious. Finally, my mother called and asked if I could come on the 26th instead. Everyone was too busy with their own lives and getting together for Christmas Day was “too hard” and not going to happen.
I ignored the red flag and told myself that the day would be great and just as good as if it hadn’t been delayed. I arrived on time and sat alone waiting for everyone to finally show up. My brother were going to be several hours late and his adult kids who I wanted to see would arrive even later just before I’d need to leave for home. I had spent so much effort looking forward to this day only to be disappointed once again. However, I put this thought aside and focused on making the best of it. We spent the rest of our time with friendly smiles while making heartwarming promises. I drove home with positive intention and hopes, although I knew in my heart that it wouldn’t last.
We didn’t speak much after that Christmas, no one ever seemed to have time for a phone call and texts were slowly answered. All too soon we were back to our passive dysfunctional existence. Within a month my “open-minded” sister-in-law was condemning and shaming people on Facebook and my sister was being hateful with my father. Everything was back to its normal and sorry state. I had hoped we could rise above the hurts of the long ago past. I realized that it wouldn’t happen without honest conversations with and forgiving mindsets.
Holidays have a way of making us feel a lot of things. We know we’re supposed to think about spending time with loved ones and family, but often we feel guilty, confused, and stuck. When we allow ourselves to understand that these feelings are self-created, we can begin to have honest conversations and tell others how we feel. Communicating our honest feelings can be hard at first, but starting small and moving forward slowly is often the best approach to creating the holiday reality that we deserve and dream about.
GIVING UP GUILT FOR THE HOLIDAYS
It’s normal for guilt to enter our minds when we don’t make it to holiday functions or decline invitations. Guilt will pass but it’s important to acknowledge our feelings and uncomfortable thoughts of not living up to someone else’s expectations and desires. Once we realize that guilt is both a projection and self-created emotion, we can manage it and remove the burden. I often acknowledge difficult situations by verbalizing them out loud to help compartmentalize and remove it from my thoughts.
1. Manage expectations, this is the biggest one that causes the most stress. Be honest about your true feelings and understand that they are valid and important.
2. Re-evaluate holiday traditions. What’s the best holiday you ever had and is it possible to create a feeling like that again? Be honest with yourself and allow yourself to visualize what you’d really like to do instead.
3. Removing obligations that make you uncomfortable give yourself more time to reflect and breathe. Learn the pleasures of a simple breathing technique to relax and feel centered.
4. Manage guilt and feelings of missing out. If you’re not able or don’t wish to make the effort to see your family, suggest a zoom call when everyone can take their turn to say whatever they feel. This can often be more honest and authentic than an awkward in-person family get together.
5. Find healthy coping mechanisms that you enjoy, go for a walk, watch a movie that you haven’t found the time to see, read a book, and shut your phone off for the day are all healthy alternatives.
6. Establish gift boundaries and understand how uncomfortable an over-the-top gift can make someone feel.
7. Make better food choices and avoid sugar and processed foods that bring your mood down. Avoid stress eating and thinking about the 80% rule: stop eating when you feel 80% full. It’s a great way to not feel deprived and walk away from the table feeling energized and happy with yourself.
8. Practice gratitude and self-awareness. Think about the people and things in your life that make you the happiest. Smiling even when you’re not feeling happy can change your mood.
While the holidays are times that most of us look forward to, it's always healthy to check in with ourselves and respect our feelings. No one wants to disappoint or hurt anyone’s feelings but respecting and acknowledging how we feel about spending our holiday time is the most important gift of all. Life is too short to live for the expectations and demands of others. We’re happier when we make the right choices and lift ourselves up.