I grew up in a typical suburban home where appearances meant everything. My parents were always afraid of being judged and were very vocal and scornful when they perceived that their children had shamed them in some way. Why it mattered never made any sense to me, but they were always very concerned how they were perceived. I had a hard time conforming to their desires and often felt out of place and uncomfortable. Most of the time I retreated to books and exploring the outdoors on my bike. I sought their validation through achievement and academics, but my accomplishments were barely acknowledged and made me feel empty inside. My Father had a way of mocking my dreams, making me even more withdrawn for fear of being criticized. My parents knew I saw the world differently, but empathy and understanding would have exposed their vulnerability and opened them to judgment from others.
 
By the time I was in high school, I was insecure about myself and sought validation wherever I could find it. This was the start of a cycle of self-destructive need for approval. Validation from external sources was like chasing a high--I always needed more. In high school, I managed to maintain good grades, but I turned to drugs and alcohol to gain acceptance from my peers. I was never an “addict”, but it was an outlet that satisfied my need for self-destruction and finding approval. I carried around a lot of hurt and anger and continued this destructive path for many years. I knew I could be happier, but my wounds were deep and kept me from seeing the truth. I never realized how badly my need for validation was harming my future and keeping me from reaching my potential.

If someone can validate us in a way that gives us power, they can easily take that power away.

When we’re constantly seeking approval from others, we often forget the importance of approving ourselves. We avoid doing things that are important for us to be happy and our dreams become harder to believe in. When we can begin to comprehend how the need for validation is holding us back, we can learn to live at our full potential.

When we are controlled by the need for approval, we begin to exist solely for the need to please others. We end up living lives where we’re doing too much, lose focus, and become people-pleasers. This need for validation creates lives that exist entirely on the needs and experiences of others.  When we yearn for external validation, we settle for ordinary lives with average results and never find our true potential.

Most importantly, and perhaps the most damaging, is that the need for validation keeps us from listening to our intuition. Intuition is our “gut” feeling, our most important internal guide. Intuition also fuels our intention, which is how we make our dreams come true. A life without valuing intuition is a life half-lived. Intuition is our compass and our guide through life.

Every piece of advice we receive is based on someone else’s biases and experiences. A good example is an older relative warning you that you shouldn’t go on a backpacking trip because they had a negative experience back in the 1980s!

VALIDATION KEEPS US FROM BEING HAPPY

When we constantly seek approval from others, we’re creating a path for more anxiety and depression. We can become addicted to validation and feel anxious and disconnected when we don’t receive it. We judge and compare ourselves to others, count our “likes” as “success” on online platforms. The need for validation strips us of our power to make our own decisions. Validation causes us to live in someone else’s shadow.

To stop relying on validation, it’s important to reconsider personal behaviors, routines, and affirmations. It helps to be aware of these approval-seeking behaviors:

--Sees disagreement as a personal issue: This person needs approval and feels insulted when someone doesn’t share their opinion.  A classic example is a people pleaser who seeks validation for everything they do.

--Changes viewpoint when faced with disapproval: When we do this, we are not strong in our own convictions and seek approval from others who think a certain way.

--Over-commits and says yes to everything: Someone who says yes to everything is too insecure to say no to an activity that they know will be difficult to accomplish. This hurts both credibility to others and damages self-esteem. This can easily become a downward spiral and end in failure.
-- Not standing up for yourself:  Someone who feels it’s easier not to express themselves and speak up for fear of disappointing others.

--Gossip: The urge to speak about others to make yourself feel important creates a negative outcome. It’s harmful on both sides.

--Body Language: Nodding or physically signaling that you agree with someone and not being true to yourself.

--Not speaking up when receiving unsatisfactory service or goods: This is a passive-aggressive approach especially when it’s a service and theirs tipping involved.

--Pretending to be something or someone that you’re not to gain approval. A strong indication of low self-esteem and ego-centric thinking.

GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO BE AMAZING

There will be times when our confidence wanes and our negative feelings can take over. It’s important to know that we have others to rely on for guidance and support. These people can help guide us, but we gain more self-confidence and life-mastery when we make our own decisions. Only you have the power to determine your own worth, no one else has the right to do that!

We can accomplish anything when we set our mindset on inner-happiness and well-being. This is the practice of self-worth that comes from receiving and feeling the love, moments of joy, and good that comes into our lives. When we learn this, we learn that we deserve the happier life that come when we can live in our authentic selves. The better we are at receiving love and praise, the more we can rise-up and live our lives to the fullest.

When we depend on validation, we lose our power and become dependent on others. If we chose to be courageous and make our own decisions will sometimes make mistakes but we will always gain self-confidence. We invalidate ourselves with our own self-defeating beliefs. When we learn to show up for ourselves, we can put our best self forward!

External validation has its place in our support system. It helps us connect with others, measure our perceived value in someone’s eyes. It helps us to share our experiences to help others and to help ourselves. These are valid approaches when seeking validation, but we can also find our true valuation when we change our mindset and let go of external sources:

1. Give yourself a morning and evening affirmation. Affirmations raise self-esteem and empower us to be our best. Saying aloud to yourself: “Good Morning, it’s going to be a great day” and “I did my best today and will do better tomorrow” are powerful and inspire greatness. Self-reflection and recognition an important component for self-esteem and personal growth.

2. Stop yourself just before seeking external validation and ask yourself “what do you hope to gain”.  When we do this, we’re honest about what we hope to gain from approval.

3. Recognize when you’re judging yourself for having feelings. When we feel bad about having emotions, we’re holding ourselves from understanding our feelings. Try saying something different than the usual self-loathing dialogue.

4. Confront negative self-created emotions and fears and say them aloud. Compartmentalize and destroy negative self-created doubts.

5. When feeling down, ask yourself what you need to feel better? This is a self-validating action that helps us rise-up, overcome doubt, and move forward.

As soon as we stop waiting for someone else to validate us, we can begin to believe in ourselves and live the life we’ve dreamed about!