Anna Danes - Three Hours Post Breast Cancer Diagnosis
- Written by Anna Danes
Los Angeles looks so different in the rain.
Last Friday I was in LA for two things: a follow up appointment with my oncologist regarding breast biopsy results and a photo shoot at a luxurious Hollywood home. As a jazz singer, recording artist and performer, glamour is part of my world, and keeping my image vibrant and fresh goes with the territory.
I drove in the rain from my home in San Diego that morning, trying not to focus on any potential negative test results and thinking instead about the beautiful photos we were going to take - and how we could make them magical even with the damp weather as a backdrop.
I had just made my doctor’s appointment in Beverly Hills and was hoping to breeze through the routine check in and have a fun chat with my awesome oncologist about other things besides my breasts, like fashion. But when she walked into the exam room, she didn’t have light chit chat on her mind. Instead, she quietly sat down, opened a file, looked directly at me and asked: “You know why I called you in here, don’t you?” Oh shit, I thought to myself. Of course I know. She would have called otherwise and not had me drive to LA. I knew it all along. That’s why I kept trying to push this moment out of my mind all week.
“You have early stage breast cancer again,” she went on to say. I don’t remember what she said after that. It was like the parents in a Charlie Brown special: “wow, wow, wow.” Through the mental fog and haze, I could make out some key words she spoke, like “surgery,” “lumpectomy” – oh, and of course, “chemo.” Her tone was calm and reassuring, and I knew no reason to panic. After all, we had caught this very early, thanks to her very careful and frequent surveillance. I’d gone through this once before two years ago and I was on what they call a “watch list.” We came up immediately with a plan of action, and made an appointment with a surgical oncologist straight away.
All the unknown details, variables and fears that this unwelcome discovery entailed would have to wait for another day. I just got punched in the gut. I was numb. And I walked out of the office as if in a daze, legs a bit wobbly. “I have what???”
Outside, the rain was not letting up and usually lovely streets of Beverly Hills were grey and empty. I went to have lunch and continued to process the news. Part of me wanted to get back in my car and just drive home. I texted my photographer with the update. She was speechless at first, and then asked, “Are you absolutely SURE you want to do this today?” I hesitated for a half second, but then heard myself saying, “YES, yes I do, my hair is done and I am here.” Good enough reason as any, I suppose.
Almost like nature’s way of splashing the cruelest metaphor in my face as a reminder of what I had just heard, the rain kept pouring as I drove up the winding and muddy streets of the Hollywood Hills to the location of our shoot. It was at the photographer’s home, which sits right under the Hollywood sign. You could barely make out any of the letters in the sign because of the wet and foggy conditions – but for me, it was still comforting to know it was nearby. The sign was a legendary call through the ages to meaningful art, beauty and glamour, and that was what I had come to create.
After giving me a big hug, the photographer offered me a glass of bubbly. Thinking it would help calm my nerves, I accepted and stepped outside onto her gorgeous patio with a classic view of the whole L.A. basin. The view was murky, but also mystical, quiet, introspective. Not the stereotypical Kodachrome L.A. It matched my mood perfectly. The bright sun would have seemed annoying. I turned to her. I was ready to roll. “Let’s do this. And let’s do it without make up. Just me is good enough today.”
I put on a sequined gown, threw an old cardigan over it, fluffed up my hair and we went to work. The sequins sparkled magnificently in the rain. The sweater was comfortable and familiar. My freshly done platinum hair was the only accessory I needed. But it was tough trying to relax. The photographer kept reminding me to “get out from your head.” I kept trying, but I couldn’t. Eventually, I started to relax as the constant movement of the shoot, wardrobe changes and creative decision making took some of my worries away. I remember starting to catch some magic, even getting silly for a moment, enjoying the rain, the sparkle, my hair getting wet, getting lost in the spirit of channeling Marilyn Monroe for a few seconds under that Hollywood sign, which was somewhere directly behind me in the rain…
Happily, we captured it all on film. And it was like no other photo shoot I’ve ever been on and one I will always remember - three hours post breast cancer diagnosis.
I’ve now seen the images from this photo shoot and they’ve instantly become my absolute favorites of myself. When I look closely, I can see a light in my eyes that has never been before - and a freedom to just be whatever I felt, which gave me the courage to say, “Who cares? This is me, world, in the rain.” The last thing in life you want to do is to pretend to be someone you’re not or to feel something you don’t, and leave a false image. Authenticity is everything to me. Despite hearing the worst news possible, my joy was real – and it infused every wonderful frame of that afternoon.
I am so glad I went through with the shoot, braved the rain and faced my fears - with an unadorned face! I know there may be a long road ahead, but for me, the healing has already begun.
www.AnnaDanes.com
